The 6 Year Mark

After losing my Mom 6 years ago this Saturday  my life changed forever and for some reason it really hit me today. It will be the 6 year mark.

Time heals everything. At least that's what they say and to a point that may be true. But I can't help but think how much has changed in the past 6 years, how much I want to tell her, how much I want her to see, and what I would give to have one more girls night with my idol, the woman who has made me into what I am today.

On the flip side, I look back and see how far I've come in those 6 years. How much losing her has pushed me to be the person I am today. Instead of sitting and thinking how I feel about losing her today I really tried to feel blessed. Blessed that I was lucky enough to have 18 years with a woman who was everything and more a mother should be. She was more than a mother, she was mentor and an idol. I have never met anyone who has been so unwaveringly proud of me in life  as she was and her pride in me pushed me to elevate not only my expectations in myself, but forever changed my minds eye of how I see the world (my anything is possible with hard work mentality I inherited from her).  Nor have I ever met a woman who could light up a room with just a smile. (Just watching people how people watched her was something in itself).

One of the best keepssakes I have from my mom is an article written about her after she spoke at UW Hospitals'Jewel of an Evening' event that brought light to gynocological cancer. Here it is.

 For Wendy Peters, surviving and thriving with cervical cancer involved setting goals for herself, like moving her daughter into college at UW-La Crosse. In the process, arguing with her daughter about "totally silly" things made her feel normal amid all the turmoil happening to her body, Peters said.

"We sweated and we fought, but we moved her into college and we did OK," said Peters. "It's the everyday, simple things that just make you happy."

It's true though isn't it? It's the simple, little things that just  make us happy. I have learned the value in everyday from my mother and that life is really too short to be anything but happy. If you don't like something change it, if you want something work for it. I am eternally grateful to my angel of a mother and everyday in the back of mind, in my goals, in my work, in my dreams, in my relationships and more I work to live up to be a person she would be proud of, but the funny thing is she always used to tell me as long as I'm happy she would be proud of me.

She may not be with me in a physical sense, but I am reminded in my little quirks that make me stop and think "god that was something mom would say" that she will always be with me ( and those are the moments when I get the biggest smile ... A smile that I am proud to say comes straight from her).

Mom and I (age 3)

Coming home from the hospital





 

She had a smile that could light up any room

Unexpectations

This morning in church the Father said something in his sermon that got me thinking. When we plan, God laughs.

In my experiance this has been the most frusterating thing for someone like me. I make lists, charts and plans. I like to think that if I have all of my ducks in a row everything will go like I have planned and these plans will play themselves out as I have mapped out in my always busy brain. Plans are my safety net.

The kicker? This is furthest from the truth. Looking back, there have been things that have happened completely opposite of my detailed planning.Things that for better or for worse have impacted the course I had imagined myself on.

The kicker part 2? Deviations to your plans always seem to happen when everything is on course and then this something comes out of nowhere and blows them out of the water. On one side of this, if its negative change of plans it can be a whirlwind, but if it is a positive wrench in the system, it makes you wonder. And sometimes you can't define if it's postive or negative.

I think part of it is that plans bring expectations (how your mind plays out the ideal situation.) Expectations aren't a bad thing, but with plans you sometimes go through the motions with your basic expectaions. But, when plans are broken it's unexpectated, with this comes unexpecations (not a word I know but stick with me) that allow us to see and experiance things that may be scary, but at the same time pretty damn amazing and interesting.

Maybe one thing they have told me is right... Always expect the expectations, or in my experiance "hold and tight because you can't plan for the unexpectations"

Sometimes A Girl Just Needs a Burger

Everyday on the internet, on the tv, in the magazines you hear what's bad for you, and what you should be doing (more often than not, what you shouldn't)

Don't drink Diet Coke, it has aspartame.
Don't use your cell phone too much, it causes cancer.
Don't eat carbs, they make you gain weight. (From a carb connoisseur I'm still waiting for someone to prove this false)

Where am I going with this all? I promise there's a point.

Well I like to consider myself a pretty healthy person, I count red wine and dark chocolate as exceptional health supplements, but in all seriousness I do. So in attempts to improve my health I decided to supplement my typical medium-rare, little piece of heaven burger for a frozen veggie burger for lunch.

For the sake of being completely candid,it wasn't as good as the real thing (more like a cardboard cutout of what a burger should be) and it just made me want a REAL burger. A medium, rare beef burger with pickles, bacon and mustard to be specific.

It's kinda like life. We try so hard to do "what we're supposed to do" that we ignore the things that make us tick, the things that we enjoy just because.

Sometimes we just need to just step back and enjoy life.

Sometimes a girl just needs a burger.

If You Don't Ask You'll Never Know

I mean its a pretty simple statement

and self explanatory at that.

You don't know what you don't know. 

And what's the worst that will happen by asking?

(a simple statement deserves a short, sweet simple blog post)

Everything Happens For a Reason

I've never liked this phrase...NEVER

In fact, I have despised it. When my Mom passed everyone told me that everything happens for a reason, and to be completely honest I wanted to say BS to every single one of them. I will never understand the reasoning behind that.

But in the past month I have learned that maybe this statement does hold true to a point. But instead of everything happening for a reason, I think its: EVERYTHING SERVES A PURPOSE

 Maybe sometimes you just have to have a little faith that there is a purpose behind what's happening in your life, and looking back on my recent job experience I believe this did happen for a reason.

After working for five years in the marketing field, I begin life back in the corporate office next week (and couldn't be more excited).  This job is exactly what I was looking for, somewhere where we were growing a business and busting our asses to do it. I like having skin in the game and personal relationship to the businesses I market. It pushed me that much harder. But getting to this point taught me more than I realized.

In early July I moved from my previous marketing specialist position into a consulting position. It was a big step in my career, and it took me a few days (and glasses of wine) to catch my bearings again. I had always taken care of myself and worked hard to ensure I could, so this was me putting everything out there, and to be honest taking a large, life-changing risk.
 

Over the next few weeks I was experiencing an uncertainty as a marketing specialist I had not before. I was use to knowing to be at the office at 7:00 and leaving at 4:00, and knowing I would be there every day. And through all the uncertainty I was happy. Why? Because although it was scary, it was a chance for me to push myself out of my comfort zone and see what I could really do. Even more importantly it made me take a step back and look at all of the great people I have in my life and appreciate each and every one of them for their unique beings.

Everything has a purpose, the hardest part is waiting to discover the purpose and make sense of it all. And most of the time, the only way to do it is through hindsight.

I mean it is 20/20

Photo Credit: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Purpose-320078457

Half Empty or Half Full?

Perspective is a game changer

They always give you the glass half full spiel when your younger... but its true. It really is all about how you look at things that gives them the power to make or break your day, week, month or year. Great example... The other day my cats shut the door behind me and of course I had the lock turned towards locked (I know it sounds unbelievable and trust me I wish I could make this up), and I found myself  locked out of my house with dripping wet hair, in a worn Drake collegiate sweat shirt and boxer pajama shorts. 

After spending a good five minutes willing the door to open with my mind and another five pretending I could Hulk the door open, I went over to my next door neighbors house praying they wouldn't judge my appearance ( we are friendly, but not that friendly of neighbors). I knocked on the door and they welcomed me faster than I could explain the situation, and offered me a glass of white wine and grilled eggplant with goat cheese. 

After getting a hold of my landlord (spare keys are know strewn between my friends so this will not happen again) to let me into my house, we sat and talked over our glasses of white wine. I learned both were Harvard scholars, had publish best selling books, and also had both lost their parents at 19 like myself. 

My landlord arrived and saved me from sleeping in my front entryway and I thought about how enjoyable the night had been. I never knew the people next to me had such interesting pasts and so much knowledge to share with me. It was amazing that we lived right next to each other and knew so little about one another. 

Now back to the glass half full. I could have sat and made myself angry about the fact that I had been locked out, lost valuable working time, and had a laundry list of things that would need to put off because of the incident...But instead I was so relaxed from taking a break, I had my girl friends over for an impromptu wine and dinner potluck and took the night off.

It really is how you look at things that give them power... don't get me wrong its not easy to do, but when your glass is half full with white wine with a side of eggplant and goat cheese it makes it easier. 

I'd much rather have my glass half full 

Denial

Now I for one have never met a Sex and the City marathon I don't like

The inner workings of Carrie Bradshaw are sometimes just what I need to gain perspective on a situation (I'm not afraid to admit it). 

Yesterday she brought up denial. We can deny simple things such as we're not getting older, the number simply changes and we remain the same, or more serious matters such as going against our better judgement to deny what is right in front of our eyes. But in some cases, is denial a blessing, a glimmer of hope, possibly a positive coping mechanism?

My mind began swirling around the things that I had been in denial about in the past and the outcomes from keeping voluntary blinders over my eyes and my thoughts. 

And really looking back, denial was one of the best coping mechanisms there was for me with my Mom. Not because I was in denial that her cancer was getting worse, or in complete denial that it was there at all, but instead because denial (in its entirety) can simply allow you to push the not-so-pretty (thoughts, actions etc) into the back of your mind and allow you to continue with your daily life. At some point denial stems from hope, and sometimes its just what the doctors ordered.

As long as we able to understand that denial does not shape reality, and that it is a temporary escape... is it really deserving of such a bad reputation?