The Top Three

I was recently asked what were the three most significant points in my life.

I hesitated to answer, because as I was thinking about it, all three were negative to point, but I took a closer look at the three by writing them down. They were the three I never shared. It's always scary to share the negative it gives someone a chance to see all the imperfect we have and our potential to be imperfect. But as I looked into them deeper, I realized yes they were negative, but their significance have molded and shaped me into the person I am today, and what's so terrible with having a not so pretty, imperfect past that has shaped you into someone who you are proud to be today ( not to sound overly confident, we all need work, but I've worked through each of these and sometimes we all deserve to be our own biggest fan). I'm not going to go into it all, because I want to tell that person my answers before this anonymous blog world, but I will share the most significant, because it's the one put best into words. To this day it is the one thing that can instantly bring me back to that time in my life.

#1. The morning my mom passed away. Everyone said you were lucky you had the time you did with her so you were prepared for it. And I am, I hold those moment close to my heart, but nothing could prepare me for that moment. I was on the night shift for my mom who wanted to be at home instead of hospice. It had gotten bad, no no covering it, it was downright ugly. My mom couldn't talk, did not even know who I was and wasn't my mom anymore. Seeing her like that killed me a little inside everyday, but I did what I had to, kept on living as I should and be strong for my family. Someone would be with her at all times, we'd read to her and I would often just curl up next to her so I wouldn't forget what it felt like to be with her.

As I started saying I had been on the night shift and had finally gone to bed and was woken up by my mom's best friend Gayle telling me I had to go say goodbye, my mom was in a better place. I went numb, it was an out of body, punch in the stomach feeling that could've put a grown man on his knees. I don't remember crying I just remember walking into her and my stepdads room and laying next to her, she was more than my mom at that point she was my angel mother, and from that point my life was a choice. It wasn't this moment that got me though. Friends came over, family came over and then they came to take my mom from my house. For the first time that day I lost it, they couldn't take my mom. That was the house that she and my stepdad had spent their life together building, it was our life, and selfishly, she couldn't leave me. It was the single most significant point in my life. It was the worst day of my life. 

That day something inside of me changed. I could go one of two ways I could feel sorry for myself, or I could what my mom loved most really live. Put my passion, my heart, my all into what I did , to live a life that she could be proud of, and that I could be proud of.  That day will never leave my mind as much as I try, and in a way that's a good thing. It tells me why I am the way today from why I guard myself to why I put 115% into what I do. 

It's scary to share moments like this when I know there are people out who their worst problem at that 18 was a bad hair day. It's heavy, it's deep, it's ugly  but at the end of the day it's part of me, and that's something I should never be scared of showing because at the end of the day I survived it, and I can still enjoy my life, still look for the good in the bad, I can still smile , and it's why to me it's the simple things that mean the most. It's why I'm me.

Blood is Thicker Than Water ... To a Point

I get this to a point, but my hybrid family is my rock, related by blood or not.

In this day and age we see mish-mashed families of all sorts, shapes and sizes, but one thing's for sure in my family I have never felt that I am lacking in any way, if anything I have a bigger support system and more people that care about me. This weekend I made my trip home for a much needed visit with the family. I have to say they have a way of making a person feel appreciated (and my little brothers for keeping me entertained). It really got me thinking about my childhood and my upbringing. My parents got divorced at a very young age for me, and although it could've gone another way, I was blessed in the fact that my parents worked together to ensure that they both raised me. Instead of one parent at my games and events, I was lucky enough to have four. If my mom and dad had anything in common it was the respect they held for one another. Even more importantly, I was a member of each family whether it was by blood relation or not. Let me expand on that, whichever house I was at I felt home because of the people who surrounded me.

A big part of this is in thanks to my stepmom. I don't know if I tell her enough, but although we aren't blood, she has done above and beyond the duties of your typical stepmom. She has always worked to not only respect the memory of my mother, but to also never treat me any different than her own children, my brothers. Family photos, events and just being there for me to vent on things that a woman just needs to talk to her mom about.  I'm not a fan of the world luck but in my case I am very lucky to have her as part of my life.

On the other hand, I can't say I wasn't disappointed when another family member didn't have the time or energy to fit me into his plans. He was a second father to me, and for some reason or another he has chosen to slowly exit this stage of my life. I don't think it will make me stop trying, and I'm not going to feel sorry for myself because I have to think it is what it is... But I do think this explains my conclusion below:

So blood is thicker than water, I get it, but in my case, family isn't just the people your born related to, whether it's step parents, friends, relationships or more, family are the people who care enough to be a part of your life.