The Top Three

I was recently asked what were the three most significant points in my life.

I hesitated to answer, because as I was thinking about it, all three were negative to point, but I took a closer look at the three by writing them down. They were the three I never shared. It's always scary to share the negative it gives someone a chance to see all the imperfect we have and our potential to be imperfect. But as I looked into them deeper, I realized yes they were negative, but their significance have molded and shaped me into the person I am today, and what's so terrible with having a not so pretty, imperfect past that has shaped you into someone who you are proud to be today ( not to sound overly confident, we all need work, but I've worked through each of these and sometimes we all deserve to be our own biggest fan). I'm not going to go into it all, because I want to tell that person my answers before this anonymous blog world, but I will share the most significant, because it's the one put best into words. To this day it is the one thing that can instantly bring me back to that time in my life.

#1. The morning my mom passed away. Everyone said you were lucky you had the time you did with her so you were prepared for it. And I am, I hold those moment close to my heart, but nothing could prepare me for that moment. I was on the night shift for my mom who wanted to be at home instead of hospice. It had gotten bad, no no covering it, it was downright ugly. My mom couldn't talk, did not even know who I was and wasn't my mom anymore. Seeing her like that killed me a little inside everyday, but I did what I had to, kept on living as I should and be strong for my family. Someone would be with her at all times, we'd read to her and I would often just curl up next to her so I wouldn't forget what it felt like to be with her.

As I started saying I had been on the night shift and had finally gone to bed and was woken up by my mom's best friend Gayle telling me I had to go say goodbye, my mom was in a better place. I went numb, it was an out of body, punch in the stomach feeling that could've put a grown man on his knees. I don't remember crying I just remember walking into her and my stepdads room and laying next to her, she was more than my mom at that point she was my angel mother, and from that point my life was a choice. It wasn't this moment that got me though. Friends came over, family came over and then they came to take my mom from my house. For the first time that day I lost it, they couldn't take my mom. That was the house that she and my stepdad had spent their life together building, it was our life, and selfishly, she couldn't leave me. It was the single most significant point in my life. It was the worst day of my life. 

That day something inside of me changed. I could go one of two ways I could feel sorry for myself, or I could what my mom loved most really live. Put my passion, my heart, my all into what I did , to live a life that she could be proud of, and that I could be proud of.  That day will never leave my mind as much as I try, and in a way that's a good thing. It tells me why I am the way today from why I guard myself to why I put 115% into what I do. 

It's scary to share moments like this when I know there are people out who their worst problem at that 18 was a bad hair day. It's heavy, it's deep, it's ugly  but at the end of the day it's part of me, and that's something I should never be scared of showing because at the end of the day I survived it, and I can still enjoy my life, still look for the good in the bad, I can still smile , and it's why to me it's the simple things that mean the most. It's why I'm me.

Disappointment

If you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed right?

We all get disappointed, its life. My disappointment is no different. Disappointment comes from "getting our hopes" up, and everyone says if you don't get your hopes up you won't get hurt.

I disagree. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that disappointment is a good thing. It's not. It hurts, it's messy, it might make us cry and pardon my French, but it down right sucks. But that doesn't mean I would give up hoping. Hoping is a risk, but aren't the best things?

Disappointment also comes from caring (and I'm not about to stop doing that either). I read something that really caught my eye:

"Sometimes we expect more from others, because we would be willing to do that for them."

After thinking this over, I realize that's why disappointment really hurts. It makes us realize we would never do the same to the other person, nor has the thought ever/ or would ever even cross our minds. We would do anything in our power to  try and keep that person from hurting, and when they disappoint us; it makes us question how the other person truly feels about us in return.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but I'm no stranger to disappointment. And for some reason, I never give up. I keep on trying. And some people may call this weak or even stupid, but in my opinion it's the opposite. I'm strong enough and care enough to put myself out there for disappointment, and with that accept the consequences.

Life's not always a bed of roses, nor do I expect anything from it return. And yes, sometimes it's disappointing, but in the end I would rather be the one that cared too much, than the one who gave up to protect myself. In the end, I'd rather take my chances on the good, than never put myself out there to avoid the disappointing.

A Day for the Dads

On my blog you mostly hear about my mom, but there is an amazing dad behind who I am today as well. 

Coach, dad, confidant, businessman and friend my dad wears all of these titles and without a doubt has one of the biggest hearts I know.  People say that your dad sets the tone for the type of man your interested in and I have to say my dad has set the bar pretty damn high. I've said the traits and quirks that my mom gave me but my loud booming voice, my sense of humor, my way of worrying and my ability to speak to speak to anyone and anything are from him. ( it's safe to say that the two of us in a room together provide quite the entertainment). I thank my dad for everything he has done for me for dressing up like superman and I was super baby, for singing ridiculous musicals with me in the car, for teaching me how to dance, and for being there when I needed him most. I am very thankful to have him back in my life and we have more than made up for lost time. I certainly am my mother's daughter but I am also a daddy's girl.

Today I am also thinking of his dad, my grandpa Cosmo. That man would sing the here she comes miss America song every time I would walk into the room when I was a little girl. He came to the US and barely spoke English when he was a young boy . It was amazing to hear his stories of how he taught himself English and his evolution here in the states and I am lucky to have heard all of those. He was such a classy man as well, I loved when he would put on Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra  and he would dance with me and to this day I still enjoy listening to the rat pack. I have not met one person with a bad thing to say about him. I can see where my father got his big, Italiano heart from, because my grandpa Cos touched so many people in his life. On this day my dad and I were talking about him and remembering all of the great things he's said and done and there's one thing he always said and I keep it with me, my dad and stepmom and little brothers keep it with them.

 "Smile and the world will smile with you. Frown and you are all alone." 

Truer words have not been spoken.

So happy Father's Day to all the dad's out there and especially my own, and hope you are all surrounded by smiles. For all you do you deserve a day for all of us to say thank you.