Disappointment

If you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed right?

We all get disappointed, its life. My disappointment is no different. Disappointment comes from "getting our hopes" up, and everyone says if you don't get your hopes up you won't get hurt.

I disagree. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that disappointment is a good thing. It's not. It hurts, it's messy, it might make us cry and pardon my French, but it down right sucks. But that doesn't mean I would give up hoping. Hoping is a risk, but aren't the best things?

Disappointment also comes from caring (and I'm not about to stop doing that either). I read something that really caught my eye:

"Sometimes we expect more from others, because we would be willing to do that for them."

After thinking this over, I realize that's why disappointment really hurts. It makes us realize we would never do the same to the other person, nor has the thought ever/ or would ever even cross our minds. We would do anything in our power to  try and keep that person from hurting, and when they disappoint us; it makes us question how the other person truly feels about us in return.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but I'm no stranger to disappointment. And for some reason, I never give up. I keep on trying. And some people may call this weak or even stupid, but in my opinion it's the opposite. I'm strong enough and care enough to put myself out there for disappointment, and with that accept the consequences.

Life's not always a bed of roses, nor do I expect anything from it return. And yes, sometimes it's disappointing, but in the end I would rather be the one that cared too much, than the one who gave up to protect myself. In the end, I'd rather take my chances on the good, than never put myself out there to avoid the disappointing.

You Are Here

The presence people have in your life goes beyond a geographic pin on a map.

People live in various places on  others (let me explain). They can live in a geographic location close to you, they live on our tounges when speaking about them, they live in our brains and the most exclusive location, they can have a place in our hearts. Today I received an amazing gift that I'll admit it brought me into happy tears. An anatomical heart necklace with a stamped engraving "you are here."  

It made be start thinking about where people are in my life if I were going to map them out. People can physically be in your life,but although they are there physically, they may not be present to you where it matters most. On the other hand, there are those not geographically next to you, but they have a presence in the most important places. They have your attention and interest and an indelible place in your heart ( no matter how hard you've tried to fight it, resistance is futile).

It's interesting to look at this perspective of where people are in your life. Thinking over where would you pin their "you are here" sign.  It makes you ask yourself the tough questions, and bring clarity to your thoughts. And  I think it also makes people wonder , where others would pin their map locations as well, because in that moment, we realize where we hope it would be.

Excuse my swimsuit top, but this small gesture not only brought the biggest smile to my face but a few happy tears

Different Names for the Same Thing

Words are a funny thing period.

I went out with one of my best guy friends from college. He and his girlfriend and I went out including drinks, dinner and some dancing (quite the adventure). As I'm getting ready to leave he pulled me aside to get my thoughts on her and I poised the same question back to him. He immediately started  squirming and I could tell he wanted to say something.

He wiggled his way around telling me what he wanted about her using words to work around what he really wanted to say. It really made me think. As a lover of words, words are a funny thing. They have a power we don't always realize because once words leave our mouths, they become a real thing (it's true using it?). The right words from the right people can make your day, just as the wrong words from the right people can break your day.

Words can make us feel comfortable and they can either protect us (thus my sarcastic everyday dialogue) or they can make us feel vulnerable. One of the ways they make us feel comfortable is by allowing us to put different names to the same thing (sometimes in phrases and explanations). This way if we don't get the response we're looking for it's much easier to walk our way or explain our way out of it so we don't always have to really put ourselves out there.

This is our security blanket, because if we said what we really meant, we can't take the words back. They're out in the atmosphere and we have no control of other people's feelings or reactions to them. I also came to the conclusion that in some matters I do this as well. I stick a toe in to test the waters( work with the word play) , instead of just doing a cannonball ( saying exactly the things I want).  ( An interesting comparison for someone who can't swim, the irony is not lost on me).

Now for someone like me who says exactly what they're thinking 98% of the time this may be hard to believe but there's still that 2% where I safeguard myself as well.

I feel like I also need to take more of my own advice ....  As he was working his way around his words I looked him in the eye and said " today junior, you know what you want to say. What's the worst that could happen."

And it's true. If we're working our way around something we want to say, what good does that do us? We still want to say it, it just tiptoes around the topic.

Why not jump and say what you want. Call a spade a spade. As I told my friend last night (and as I
need to remember) ...


What is the worst that could happen?  If we don't say what we want how will we ever get it?

En Fuego

There are some people you meet and pass and barely remember, "safe people." Then there are those who have a certain fire about them, "the risky bets."

I was always told that I had a fire for things. Whether it's a firey passion for speaking my mind, or the fire behind my motivation to do well for myself.  In the everyday, I feel like it's getting harder and harder to find people with that fire behind their drive. That something that makes their face light up. It takes a lot to not only get, but maintain my attention, and it seems the people who have the ability to do this (men, women, friends, family) also have a fire for something. In one sense they completely intrigue me, and in the other sense they scare the hell out of me.

There's one thing about fire: when used to a beneficial purpose it has the luminosity that you can't take your eyes off of. It's incandescent. You want to get closer to it, get warm, relax and get comfortable with it. On the other hand, they always say don't play with fire, fire can be combustible, explosive. It's a fine balance, and it's not perfect, but it can be worth it.

That's the thing isn't it, the best things around aren't evens Stevens, safe bets. It's making the decision to either play it safe or go for the greater reward and put yourself at risk of getting burned. 

Me? I've made enough safe bets and comfortable decisions in life, work and more that I think it's time that I start getting more comfortable playing with fire. 

Given the choice to be en fuego or lukewarm , I think it's clear which path I prefer.

Sincerely Sincere

It's something we all look for, but the hardest thing in the world is to determine whether or not people are sincerely sincere.

Acting. We all do it at some point or another. I for one am a great actress when it comes to an over dramatic performance for stubbing my toe or turning my trip into an olmpic long jump, but when everyone's an actor/actoress to a point I think we all just crave a little more sincerity, and a little less faux. 

I will be the first to admit that I am very slow to trust people, but the one thing that puts my guard down is sincerity. The just becauses in life. You know, the why did you do (blank) for me, oh just because. ( I don't know about you but the just becauses in life are the best).

dictionary.reference.com/browse/sincere. 

2. genuine; real: a sincere effort to improve;

I think we have such a hard time recognizing sincerity because people will act sincere as a vehicle to an end game. I for one have been burned by being too trusting with people I considered sincere ( lessons very well learned). But, in the midst of it all there are some people who truly are sincere, they still do things just because, and that amazes me. So, how do we determine sincerity? Trust? Go out on a limb? To be honest I'm still figuring it out so if anyone knows this is another thing they've never told me.

Sincerely,
Me

Blood is Thicker Than Water ... To a Point

I get this to a point, but my hybrid family is my rock, related by blood or not.

In this day and age we see mish-mashed families of all sorts, shapes and sizes, but one thing's for sure in my family I have never felt that I am lacking in any way, if anything I have a bigger support system and more people that care about me. This weekend I made my trip home for a much needed visit with the family. I have to say they have a way of making a person feel appreciated (and my little brothers for keeping me entertained). It really got me thinking about my childhood and my upbringing. My parents got divorced at a very young age for me, and although it could've gone another way, I was blessed in the fact that my parents worked together to ensure that they both raised me. Instead of one parent at my games and events, I was lucky enough to have four. If my mom and dad had anything in common it was the respect they held for one another. Even more importantly, I was a member of each family whether it was by blood relation or not. Let me expand on that, whichever house I was at I felt home because of the people who surrounded me.

A big part of this is in thanks to my stepmom. I don't know if I tell her enough, but although we aren't blood, she has done above and beyond the duties of your typical stepmom. She has always worked to not only respect the memory of my mother, but to also never treat me any different than her own children, my brothers. Family photos, events and just being there for me to vent on things that a woman just needs to talk to her mom about.  I'm not a fan of the world luck but in my case I am very lucky to have her as part of my life.

On the other hand, I can't say I wasn't disappointed when another family member didn't have the time or energy to fit me into his plans. He was a second father to me, and for some reason or another he has chosen to slowly exit this stage of my life. I don't think it will make me stop trying, and I'm not going to feel sorry for myself because I have to think it is what it is... But I do think this explains my conclusion below:

So blood is thicker than water, I get it, but in my case, family isn't just the people your born related to, whether it's step parents, friends, relationships or more, family are the people who care enough to be a part of your life.

Freaks and Geeks

Let's be honest we've all got a little freak and geek in us. ( and it was a pretty damn amazing show)

When I was younger I worked hard to cover up my inner freak and geek. I was the girl who would set the curve and the one who the teacher said "can someone answer the question besides lindsay." So I learned to be good at sports and used my sarcastic sense of humor to cover up my love of space and science, my awkward dance moves and silly little quirks. I did everything in my power to even avoid wearing my glasses (let's say I spent at lot of time in the front the class). Then as I grew up and out of my awkward stage I really started coming into my own and really became comfortable with not only myself but all the freak and geek tendencies I posses.

 Today I was sitting in my car snap chatting myself in a batman mask eating my daily chocolate vitamin ( a Reese's of course) and I found myself laughing ... At myself. And then it hit me,  the people who I enjoy spending the most time with are the ones who let my inner geek flag fly and they do the same. They are the quirkiest people, but they do something that I find more valuable than anything: they make me laugh and they get me.  Not just any laugh either I mean the laugh until you cry, stomach hurts the next day kinda laugh. The people who understand my love of  words (I've got a thing for vocabulary), that understand my favorite tee is my NASA cut off, that my karaoke is decent at best but I love doing it ( and they're in the crowd cheering my salt-n-pepa on). My advice to anyone who knows me never underestimate the power of making me laugh and smile.

It's funny how as we grow we change, at one point I would've worked hard to fit a mold, and now I try to do anything but, and the people I appreciate having around me the most are the out of the box people who do the same. Like I said you can deny it but we're all freaks and geeks in some way. 

Sooo... Why not embrace it and let your freak flag fly?