Instinct and Intellect

It's the typical head vs heart battle, so which one do you follow?

For someone as plan centered and realistic as I consider myself, this is a battle won and lost. Many times I can even talk myself out of emotion or a feeling because it doesn't seem "logical."

But, when it comes to the question of the head vs. the heart vs. our gut which one is right? I mean we always say "use your head" when making a decision, but which is really the deciding factor?

It is always smart [no pun intended] to put your intellect foot forward, to think of possibilities, realities and consequences but if we only listened to our intellect, where would we be. Per usual I read a quote on the subject today and it made me think about my safe bets I've taken, the times I've listened too much to my head. The times I've settled for comfortable or good enough.

"If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down."

It seems like such a basic idea, but we dismiss it more often than not. There's a reason they also say listen to your gut. Your gut is that middle line between your head and your heart, and although we can ignore it, it's always there with us tapping on our shoulder with the truth even if we try and deny it. It's that feeling in our stomachs that tells you "I know your worrying, but this is what you should do." It's the everything-will-be-alright that we can rely on even in the most chaotic situation.

I guess there isn't a straight and narrow answer to the question because it's a group effort. I've mentioned where our head plays a role and our gut. But our heart the most emotional aspect of it all, our heart should always be involved in matters of the head, and we should use our head to help us evaluate  matters of the heart, and trust our gut to let us know our instinctual feelings.

And in the end, our mind can fight us, but an even simpler, truer quote explains it all "follow your heart, even though it's on your left, it's always right."

The Top Three

I was recently asked what were the three most significant points in my life.

I hesitated to answer, because as I was thinking about it, all three were negative to point, but I took a closer look at the three by writing them down. They were the three I never shared. It's always scary to share the negative it gives someone a chance to see all the imperfect we have and our potential to be imperfect. But as I looked into them deeper, I realized yes they were negative, but their significance have molded and shaped me into the person I am today, and what's so terrible with having a not so pretty, imperfect past that has shaped you into someone who you are proud to be today ( not to sound overly confident, we all need work, but I've worked through each of these and sometimes we all deserve to be our own biggest fan). I'm not going to go into it all, because I want to tell that person my answers before this anonymous blog world, but I will share the most significant, because it's the one put best into words. To this day it is the one thing that can instantly bring me back to that time in my life.

#1. The morning my mom passed away. Everyone said you were lucky you had the time you did with her so you were prepared for it. And I am, I hold those moment close to my heart, but nothing could prepare me for that moment. I was on the night shift for my mom who wanted to be at home instead of hospice. It had gotten bad, no no covering it, it was downright ugly. My mom couldn't talk, did not even know who I was and wasn't my mom anymore. Seeing her like that killed me a little inside everyday, but I did what I had to, kept on living as I should and be strong for my family. Someone would be with her at all times, we'd read to her and I would often just curl up next to her so I wouldn't forget what it felt like to be with her.

As I started saying I had been on the night shift and had finally gone to bed and was woken up by my mom's best friend Gayle telling me I had to go say goodbye, my mom was in a better place. I went numb, it was an out of body, punch in the stomach feeling that could've put a grown man on his knees. I don't remember crying I just remember walking into her and my stepdads room and laying next to her, she was more than my mom at that point she was my angel mother, and from that point my life was a choice. It wasn't this moment that got me though. Friends came over, family came over and then they came to take my mom from my house. For the first time that day I lost it, they couldn't take my mom. That was the house that she and my stepdad had spent their life together building, it was our life, and selfishly, she couldn't leave me. It was the single most significant point in my life. It was the worst day of my life. 

That day something inside of me changed. I could go one of two ways I could feel sorry for myself, or I could what my mom loved most really live. Put my passion, my heart, my all into what I did , to live a life that she could be proud of, and that I could be proud of.  That day will never leave my mind as much as I try, and in a way that's a good thing. It tells me why I am the way today from why I guard myself to why I put 115% into what I do. 

It's scary to share moments like this when I know there are people out who their worst problem at that 18 was a bad hair day. It's heavy, it's deep, it's ugly  but at the end of the day it's part of me, and that's something I should never be scared of showing because at the end of the day I survived it, and I can still enjoy my life, still look for the good in the bad, I can still smile , and it's why to me it's the simple things that mean the most. It's why I'm me.

You Are Here

The presence people have in your life goes beyond a geographic pin on a map.

People live in various places on  others (let me explain). They can live in a geographic location close to you, they live on our tounges when speaking about them, they live in our brains and the most exclusive location, they can have a place in our hearts. Today I received an amazing gift that I'll admit it brought me into happy tears. An anatomical heart necklace with a stamped engraving "you are here."  

It made be start thinking about where people are in my life if I were going to map them out. People can physically be in your life,but although they are there physically, they may not be present to you where it matters most. On the other hand, there are those not geographically next to you, but they have a presence in the most important places. They have your attention and interest and an indelible place in your heart ( no matter how hard you've tried to fight it, resistance is futile).

It's interesting to look at this perspective of where people are in your life. Thinking over where would you pin their "you are here" sign.  It makes you ask yourself the tough questions, and bring clarity to your thoughts. And  I think it also makes people wonder , where others would pin their map locations as well, because in that moment, we realize where we hope it would be.

Excuse my swimsuit top, but this small gesture not only brought the biggest smile to my face but a few happy tears