Disappointment

If you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed right?

We all get disappointed, its life. My disappointment is no different. Disappointment comes from "getting our hopes" up, and everyone says if you don't get your hopes up you won't get hurt.

I disagree. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that disappointment is a good thing. It's not. It hurts, it's messy, it might make us cry and pardon my French, but it down right sucks. But that doesn't mean I would give up hoping. Hoping is a risk, but aren't the best things?

Disappointment also comes from caring (and I'm not about to stop doing that either). I read something that really caught my eye:

"Sometimes we expect more from others, because we would be willing to do that for them."

After thinking this over, I realize that's why disappointment really hurts. It makes us realize we would never do the same to the other person, nor has the thought ever/ or would ever even cross our minds. We would do anything in our power to  try and keep that person from hurting, and when they disappoint us; it makes us question how the other person truly feels about us in return.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but I'm no stranger to disappointment. And for some reason, I never give up. I keep on trying. And some people may call this weak or even stupid, but in my opinion it's the opposite. I'm strong enough and care enough to put myself out there for disappointment, and with that accept the consequences.

Life's not always a bed of roses, nor do I expect anything from it return. And yes, sometimes it's disappointing, but in the end I would rather be the one that cared too much, than the one who gave up to protect myself. In the end, I'd rather take my chances on the good, than never put myself out there to avoid the disappointing.

You Are Here

The presence people have in your life goes beyond a geographic pin on a map.

People live in various places on  others (let me explain). They can live in a geographic location close to you, they live on our tounges when speaking about them, they live in our brains and the most exclusive location, they can have a place in our hearts. Today I received an amazing gift that I'll admit it brought me into happy tears. An anatomical heart necklace with a stamped engraving "you are here."  

It made be start thinking about where people are in my life if I were going to map them out. People can physically be in your life,but although they are there physically, they may not be present to you where it matters most. On the other hand, there are those not geographically next to you, but they have a presence in the most important places. They have your attention and interest and an indelible place in your heart ( no matter how hard you've tried to fight it, resistance is futile).

It's interesting to look at this perspective of where people are in your life. Thinking over where would you pin their "you are here" sign.  It makes you ask yourself the tough questions, and bring clarity to your thoughts. And  I think it also makes people wonder , where others would pin their map locations as well, because in that moment, we realize where we hope it would be.

Excuse my swimsuit top, but this small gesture not only brought the biggest smile to my face but a few happy tears

Different Names for the Same Thing

Words are a funny thing period.

I went out with one of my best guy friends from college. He and his girlfriend and I went out including drinks, dinner and some dancing (quite the adventure). As I'm getting ready to leave he pulled me aside to get my thoughts on her and I poised the same question back to him. He immediately started  squirming and I could tell he wanted to say something.

He wiggled his way around telling me what he wanted about her using words to work around what he really wanted to say. It really made me think. As a lover of words, words are a funny thing. They have a power we don't always realize because once words leave our mouths, they become a real thing (it's true using it?). The right words from the right people can make your day, just as the wrong words from the right people can break your day.

Words can make us feel comfortable and they can either protect us (thus my sarcastic everyday dialogue) or they can make us feel vulnerable. One of the ways they make us feel comfortable is by allowing us to put different names to the same thing (sometimes in phrases and explanations). This way if we don't get the response we're looking for it's much easier to walk our way or explain our way out of it so we don't always have to really put ourselves out there.

This is our security blanket, because if we said what we really meant, we can't take the words back. They're out in the atmosphere and we have no control of other people's feelings or reactions to them. I also came to the conclusion that in some matters I do this as well. I stick a toe in to test the waters( work with the word play) , instead of just doing a cannonball ( saying exactly the things I want).  ( An interesting comparison for someone who can't swim, the irony is not lost on me).

Now for someone like me who says exactly what they're thinking 98% of the time this may be hard to believe but there's still that 2% where I safeguard myself as well.

I feel like I also need to take more of my own advice ....  As he was working his way around his words I looked him in the eye and said " today junior, you know what you want to say. What's the worst that could happen."

And it's true. If we're working our way around something we want to say, what good does that do us? We still want to say it, it just tiptoes around the topic.

Why not jump and say what you want. Call a spade a spade. As I told my friend last night (and as I
need to remember) ...


What is the worst that could happen?  If we don't say what we want how will we ever get it?

En Fuego

There are some people you meet and pass and barely remember, "safe people." Then there are those who have a certain fire about them, "the risky bets."

I was always told that I had a fire for things. Whether it's a firey passion for speaking my mind, or the fire behind my motivation to do well for myself.  In the everyday, I feel like it's getting harder and harder to find people with that fire behind their drive. That something that makes their face light up. It takes a lot to not only get, but maintain my attention, and it seems the people who have the ability to do this (men, women, friends, family) also have a fire for something. In one sense they completely intrigue me, and in the other sense they scare the hell out of me.

There's one thing about fire: when used to a beneficial purpose it has the luminosity that you can't take your eyes off of. It's incandescent. You want to get closer to it, get warm, relax and get comfortable with it. On the other hand, they always say don't play with fire, fire can be combustible, explosive. It's a fine balance, and it's not perfect, but it can be worth it.

That's the thing isn't it, the best things around aren't evens Stevens, safe bets. It's making the decision to either play it safe or go for the greater reward and put yourself at risk of getting burned. 

Me? I've made enough safe bets and comfortable decisions in life, work and more that I think it's time that I start getting more comfortable playing with fire. 

Given the choice to be en fuego or lukewarm , I think it's clear which path I prefer.

Sincerely Sincere

It's something we all look for, but the hardest thing in the world is to determine whether or not people are sincerely sincere.

Acting. We all do it at some point or another. I for one am a great actress when it comes to an over dramatic performance for stubbing my toe or turning my trip into an olmpic long jump, but when everyone's an actor/actoress to a point I think we all just crave a little more sincerity, and a little less faux. 

I will be the first to admit that I am very slow to trust people, but the one thing that puts my guard down is sincerity. The just becauses in life. You know, the why did you do (blank) for me, oh just because. ( I don't know about you but the just becauses in life are the best).

dictionary.reference.com/browse/sincere. 

2. genuine; real: a sincere effort to improve;

I think we have such a hard time recognizing sincerity because people will act sincere as a vehicle to an end game. I for one have been burned by being too trusting with people I considered sincere ( lessons very well learned). But, in the midst of it all there are some people who truly are sincere, they still do things just because, and that amazes me. So, how do we determine sincerity? Trust? Go out on a limb? To be honest I'm still figuring it out so if anyone knows this is another thing they've never told me.

Sincerely,
Me

Blood is Thicker Than Water ... To a Point

I get this to a point, but my hybrid family is my rock, related by blood or not.

In this day and age we see mish-mashed families of all sorts, shapes and sizes, but one thing's for sure in my family I have never felt that I am lacking in any way, if anything I have a bigger support system and more people that care about me. This weekend I made my trip home for a much needed visit with the family. I have to say they have a way of making a person feel appreciated (and my little brothers for keeping me entertained). It really got me thinking about my childhood and my upbringing. My parents got divorced at a very young age for me, and although it could've gone another way, I was blessed in the fact that my parents worked together to ensure that they both raised me. Instead of one parent at my games and events, I was lucky enough to have four. If my mom and dad had anything in common it was the respect they held for one another. Even more importantly, I was a member of each family whether it was by blood relation or not. Let me expand on that, whichever house I was at I felt home because of the people who surrounded me.

A big part of this is in thanks to my stepmom. I don't know if I tell her enough, but although we aren't blood, she has done above and beyond the duties of your typical stepmom. She has always worked to not only respect the memory of my mother, but to also never treat me any different than her own children, my brothers. Family photos, events and just being there for me to vent on things that a woman just needs to talk to her mom about.  I'm not a fan of the world luck but in my case I am very lucky to have her as part of my life.

On the other hand, I can't say I wasn't disappointed when another family member didn't have the time or energy to fit me into his plans. He was a second father to me, and for some reason or another he has chosen to slowly exit this stage of my life. I don't think it will make me stop trying, and I'm not going to feel sorry for myself because I have to think it is what it is... But I do think this explains my conclusion below:

So blood is thicker than water, I get it, but in my case, family isn't just the people your born related to, whether it's step parents, friends, relationships or more, family are the people who care enough to be a part of your life.

Freaks and Geeks

Let's be honest we've all got a little freak and geek in us. ( and it was a pretty damn amazing show)

When I was younger I worked hard to cover up my inner freak and geek. I was the girl who would set the curve and the one who the teacher said "can someone answer the question besides lindsay." So I learned to be good at sports and used my sarcastic sense of humor to cover up my love of space and science, my awkward dance moves and silly little quirks. I did everything in my power to even avoid wearing my glasses (let's say I spent at lot of time in the front the class). Then as I grew up and out of my awkward stage I really started coming into my own and really became comfortable with not only myself but all the freak and geek tendencies I posses.

 Today I was sitting in my car snap chatting myself in a batman mask eating my daily chocolate vitamin ( a Reese's of course) and I found myself laughing ... At myself. And then it hit me,  the people who I enjoy spending the most time with are the ones who let my inner geek flag fly and they do the same. They are the quirkiest people, but they do something that I find more valuable than anything: they make me laugh and they get me.  Not just any laugh either I mean the laugh until you cry, stomach hurts the next day kinda laugh. The people who understand my love of  words (I've got a thing for vocabulary), that understand my favorite tee is my NASA cut off, that my karaoke is decent at best but I love doing it ( and they're in the crowd cheering my salt-n-pepa on). My advice to anyone who knows me never underestimate the power of making me laugh and smile.

It's funny how as we grow we change, at one point I would've worked hard to fit a mold, and now I try to do anything but, and the people I appreciate having around me the most are the out of the box people who do the same. Like I said you can deny it but we're all freaks and geeks in some way. 

Sooo... Why not embrace it and let your freak flag fly? 

Make A Wish

It's a staple at every birthday party but why do we only say it once a year ? 

In my opinion there are two bones that are quite important to a person, but you will never see them on an anatomy chart: your figurative backbone and your wishbone. I saw a quote on this today and couldn't have disagreed with it more.

"Never let your wishbone replace your backbone" , but I ask why can't they coexist? Wishes are a funny thing ... We put so many rules around something that we are taught as children are very abstract, amazing things. They can be as simple as I wish it wasn't raining everyday for the next two weeks to as complicated and messy as I wish my mom was still here today. But... When did they become such terrible things? Wishes are the differentiator between people. We all have wishes, but it's the imagination and drive behind a wish that makes a wish a reality. It's the difference between those who talk the talk but don't deliver, and those who both say and do.

Wishes are the best part of reality because they tell you a lot about a person that you may have not known before because a wish isn't something you're supposed to talk about. It's one of those ideas that starts in the "do not discuss with others" part of your mind where I think some of the greatest thought processes in history have come from. So I say you're right don't replace your backbone with your wishbone, make your wishes happen because you have a backbone.

So that next big project or marketing idea, that travel plan, that anything why not start with your wishbone instead of your backbone?

I say everyday you should say to yourself ... Make a wish

A Day for the Dads

On my blog you mostly hear about my mom, but there is an amazing dad behind who I am today as well. 

Coach, dad, confidant, businessman and friend my dad wears all of these titles and without a doubt has one of the biggest hearts I know.  People say that your dad sets the tone for the type of man your interested in and I have to say my dad has set the bar pretty damn high. I've said the traits and quirks that my mom gave me but my loud booming voice, my sense of humor, my way of worrying and my ability to speak to speak to anyone and anything are from him. ( it's safe to say that the two of us in a room together provide quite the entertainment). I thank my dad for everything he has done for me for dressing up like superman and I was super baby, for singing ridiculous musicals with me in the car, for teaching me how to dance, and for being there when I needed him most. I am very thankful to have him back in my life and we have more than made up for lost time. I certainly am my mother's daughter but I am also a daddy's girl.

Today I am also thinking of his dad, my grandpa Cosmo. That man would sing the here she comes miss America song every time I would walk into the room when I was a little girl. He came to the US and barely spoke English when he was a young boy . It was amazing to hear his stories of how he taught himself English and his evolution here in the states and I am lucky to have heard all of those. He was such a classy man as well, I loved when he would put on Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra  and he would dance with me and to this day I still enjoy listening to the rat pack. I have not met one person with a bad thing to say about him. I can see where my father got his big, Italiano heart from, because my grandpa Cos touched so many people in his life. On this day my dad and I were talking about him and remembering all of the great things he's said and done and there's one thing he always said and I keep it with me, my dad and stepmom and little brothers keep it with them.

 "Smile and the world will smile with you. Frown and you are all alone." 

Truer words have not been spoken.

So happy Father's Day to all the dad's out there and especially my own, and hope you are all surrounded by smiles. For all you do you deserve a day for all of us to say thank you.

Thank you

To everyone who has told me a story about my mom or a memory, has sent a kind word, and most importantly to my best friend of 8 years and her amazing little man.

I never post twice in a day, but there's a first time for everything.

I hate inconveniencing people. Hate it. So when I found out  my fiancé would be gone this weekend I thought: it is what is just busy schedules. But for my best friend me being by myself was not an option. She wanted to be sure that my busy mind was preoccupied today and her and little man made today more about a celebration of life than the alternative.

I have to say there are not many things that can make me smile more than the laugh of that little man and being with someone who has been through the good and the bad for over 8 years. Like I said there is always something to be thankful for and those two are more than something.

Bright Pink Lipstick

Six years ago today, and to be honest I try not to remember that day.What I like to remember, all of the reasons that my mom put a smile on a face and still does.

One of the best memories was a tradition that carried on from my childhood until I was 18, the year I lost my mom. I was watching her while she was getting ready to go out and I had had a terrible day. I was maybe 13 years old and the girls at school were making fun of me. Truth be told I was a late bloomer, but my mom always made me feel like I was beautiful, and she said that no matter what happened to never lose my sense of humor and my smile.

Well my mom was a natural beauty, but there was one piece of makeup she always wore, red lipstick. So as I'm sitting there talking with her about my day and she told me to come up by the mirror with her and pulled out bright pink lipstick, and put it on me. I asked why I couldn't wear what she was wearing and she told me "because lindsay lou, you are meant to stand out, and no one should make you feel otherwise."

That night she cancelled her plans, we ordered in pizza and sat in our jammies her with her bright red lipstick and me with my bright pink lipstick and ate ice cream from the carton. We talked, we laughed and we fell asleep in a mini campground we had created in our living room. From then on, we would have our date night when my stepdad was traveling for work.

To this day, I still wear my bright pink lipstick even in the middle of corporate america, because something about it just makes me smile remembering the good things.

Don't get me wrong, I try to always be the strong one about it all and be positive and I have learned to work to make sure that I get one day a year to just let it out. In the end I was there with my mom and saw things I would not wish upon my worst enemy, so it's not always easy to just remember the good, but that doesn't mean I don't try to.

 One thing I do always remember: That my mom loved me with all of her being, and although she didn't win her battle with cancer she fought, and the reason behind her fight was that she always wanted to be there for me.

I think sometimes we all need a reminder and today is mine: There is always something to be thankful for. ALWAYS

Odds

Sometimes they're for you and sometimes they're against you, but in my opinion the odds play a larger role in our lives than we give them credit for.

We always hear "What are the odds of that happening" and typically we view them as a bad thing. A big fan of the discovery channel and nat geo I compare this to the typical odds I see on there: the odds getting attacked by a tiger shark (shark week is a national holiday for me), the odds of getting stuck in a tsunami and so on and so fourth.

BUT what if we looked at odds from a different point.

There are some odds that are a given (not to all, but generally speaking) what are the odds I'm going to have my morning coffee, or go to work every morning (you could set your watch to the fact that these will happen), and there are some odds that are a shoot for the stars, lightening strikes twice kind of odds.

I've realized its the odds that make life exciting. Maybe its the things that are against the odds that we really look forward to, the things we appreciate because we never saw them coming.

But hey...  what are the odds of that happening right?

The 6 Year Mark

After losing my Mom 6 years ago this Saturday  my life changed forever and for some reason it really hit me today. It will be the 6 year mark.

Time heals everything. At least that's what they say and to a point that may be true. But I can't help but think how much has changed in the past 6 years, how much I want to tell her, how much I want her to see, and what I would give to have one more girls night with my idol, the woman who has made me into what I am today.

On the flip side, I look back and see how far I've come in those 6 years. How much losing her has pushed me to be the person I am today. Instead of sitting and thinking how I feel about losing her today I really tried to feel blessed. Blessed that I was lucky enough to have 18 years with a woman who was everything and more a mother should be. She was more than a mother, she was mentor and an idol. I have never met anyone who has been so unwaveringly proud of me in life  as she was and her pride in me pushed me to elevate not only my expectations in myself, but forever changed my minds eye of how I see the world (my anything is possible with hard work mentality I inherited from her).  Nor have I ever met a woman who could light up a room with just a smile. (Just watching people how people watched her was something in itself).

One of the best keepssakes I have from my mom is an article written about her after she spoke at UW Hospitals'Jewel of an Evening' event that brought light to gynocological cancer. Here it is.

 For Wendy Peters, surviving and thriving with cervical cancer involved setting goals for herself, like moving her daughter into college at UW-La Crosse. In the process, arguing with her daughter about "totally silly" things made her feel normal amid all the turmoil happening to her body, Peters said.

"We sweated and we fought, but we moved her into college and we did OK," said Peters. "It's the everyday, simple things that just make you happy."

It's true though isn't it? It's the simple, little things that just  make us happy. I have learned the value in everyday from my mother and that life is really too short to be anything but happy. If you don't like something change it, if you want something work for it. I am eternally grateful to my angel of a mother and everyday in the back of mind, in my goals, in my work, in my dreams, in my relationships and more I work to live up to be a person she would be proud of, but the funny thing is she always used to tell me as long as I'm happy she would be proud of me.

She may not be with me in a physical sense, but I am reminded in my little quirks that make me stop and think "god that was something mom would say" that she will always be with me ( and those are the moments when I get the biggest smile ... A smile that I am proud to say comes straight from her).

Mom and I (age 3)

Coming home from the hospital





 

She had a smile that could light up any room

Unexpectations

This morning in church the Father said something in his sermon that got me thinking. When we plan, God laughs.

In my experiance this has been the most frusterating thing for someone like me. I make lists, charts and plans. I like to think that if I have all of my ducks in a row everything will go like I have planned and these plans will play themselves out as I have mapped out in my always busy brain. Plans are my safety net.

The kicker? This is furthest from the truth. Looking back, there have been things that have happened completely opposite of my detailed planning.Things that for better or for worse have impacted the course I had imagined myself on.

The kicker part 2? Deviations to your plans always seem to happen when everything is on course and then this something comes out of nowhere and blows them out of the water. On one side of this, if its negative change of plans it can be a whirlwind, but if it is a positive wrench in the system, it makes you wonder. And sometimes you can't define if it's postive or negative.

I think part of it is that plans bring expectations (how your mind plays out the ideal situation.) Expectations aren't a bad thing, but with plans you sometimes go through the motions with your basic expectaions. But, when plans are broken it's unexpectated, with this comes unexpecations (not a word I know but stick with me) that allow us to see and experiance things that may be scary, but at the same time pretty damn amazing and interesting.

Maybe one thing they have told me is right... Always expect the expectations, or in my experiance "hold and tight because you can't plan for the unexpectations"

Sometimes A Girl Just Needs a Burger

Everyday on the internet, on the tv, in the magazines you hear what's bad for you, and what you should be doing (more often than not, what you shouldn't)

Don't drink Diet Coke, it has aspartame.
Don't use your cell phone too much, it causes cancer.
Don't eat carbs, they make you gain weight. (From a carb connoisseur I'm still waiting for someone to prove this false)

Where am I going with this all? I promise there's a point.

Well I like to consider myself a pretty healthy person, I count red wine and dark chocolate as exceptional health supplements, but in all seriousness I do. So in attempts to improve my health I decided to supplement my typical medium-rare, little piece of heaven burger for a frozen veggie burger for lunch.

For the sake of being completely candid,it wasn't as good as the real thing (more like a cardboard cutout of what a burger should be) and it just made me want a REAL burger. A medium, rare beef burger with pickles, bacon and mustard to be specific.

It's kinda like life. We try so hard to do "what we're supposed to do" that we ignore the things that make us tick, the things that we enjoy just because.

Sometimes we just need to just step back and enjoy life.

Sometimes a girl just needs a burger.