The Top Three

I was recently asked what were the three most significant points in my life.

I hesitated to answer, because as I was thinking about it, all three were negative to point, but I took a closer look at the three by writing them down. They were the three I never shared. It's always scary to share the negative it gives someone a chance to see all the imperfect we have and our potential to be imperfect. But as I looked into them deeper, I realized yes they were negative, but their significance have molded and shaped me into the person I am today, and what's so terrible with having a not so pretty, imperfect past that has shaped you into someone who you are proud to be today ( not to sound overly confident, we all need work, but I've worked through each of these and sometimes we all deserve to be our own biggest fan). I'm not going to go into it all, because I want to tell that person my answers before this anonymous blog world, but I will share the most significant, because it's the one put best into words. To this day it is the one thing that can instantly bring me back to that time in my life.

#1. The morning my mom passed away. Everyone said you were lucky you had the time you did with her so you were prepared for it. And I am, I hold those moment close to my heart, but nothing could prepare me for that moment. I was on the night shift for my mom who wanted to be at home instead of hospice. It had gotten bad, no no covering it, it was downright ugly. My mom couldn't talk, did not even know who I was and wasn't my mom anymore. Seeing her like that killed me a little inside everyday, but I did what I had to, kept on living as I should and be strong for my family. Someone would be with her at all times, we'd read to her and I would often just curl up next to her so I wouldn't forget what it felt like to be with her.

As I started saying I had been on the night shift and had finally gone to bed and was woken up by my mom's best friend Gayle telling me I had to go say goodbye, my mom was in a better place. I went numb, it was an out of body, punch in the stomach feeling that could've put a grown man on his knees. I don't remember crying I just remember walking into her and my stepdads room and laying next to her, she was more than my mom at that point she was my angel mother, and from that point my life was a choice. It wasn't this moment that got me though. Friends came over, family came over and then they came to take my mom from my house. For the first time that day I lost it, they couldn't take my mom. That was the house that she and my stepdad had spent their life together building, it was our life, and selfishly, she couldn't leave me. It was the single most significant point in my life. It was the worst day of my life. 

That day something inside of me changed. I could go one of two ways I could feel sorry for myself, or I could what my mom loved most really live. Put my passion, my heart, my all into what I did , to live a life that she could be proud of, and that I could be proud of.  That day will never leave my mind as much as I try, and in a way that's a good thing. It tells me why I am the way today from why I guard myself to why I put 115% into what I do. 

It's scary to share moments like this when I know there are people out who their worst problem at that 18 was a bad hair day. It's heavy, it's deep, it's ugly  but at the end of the day it's part of me, and that's something I should never be scared of showing because at the end of the day I survived it, and I can still enjoy my life, still look for the good in the bad, I can still smile , and it's why to me it's the simple things that mean the most. It's why I'm me.

You Are Here

The presence people have in your life goes beyond a geographic pin on a map.

People live in various places on  others (let me explain). They can live in a geographic location close to you, they live on our tounges when speaking about them, they live in our brains and the most exclusive location, they can have a place in our hearts. Today I received an amazing gift that I'll admit it brought me into happy tears. An anatomical heart necklace with a stamped engraving "you are here."  

It made be start thinking about where people are in my life if I were going to map them out. People can physically be in your life,but although they are there physically, they may not be present to you where it matters most. On the other hand, there are those not geographically next to you, but they have a presence in the most important places. They have your attention and interest and an indelible place in your heart ( no matter how hard you've tried to fight it, resistance is futile).

It's interesting to look at this perspective of where people are in your life. Thinking over where would you pin their "you are here" sign.  It makes you ask yourself the tough questions, and bring clarity to your thoughts. And  I think it also makes people wonder , where others would pin their map locations as well, because in that moment, we realize where we hope it would be.

Excuse my swimsuit top, but this small gesture not only brought the biggest smile to my face but a few happy tears

Different Names for the Same Thing

Words are a funny thing period.

I went out with one of my best guy friends from college. He and his girlfriend and I went out including drinks, dinner and some dancing (quite the adventure). As I'm getting ready to leave he pulled me aside to get my thoughts on her and I poised the same question back to him. He immediately started  squirming and I could tell he wanted to say something.

He wiggled his way around telling me what he wanted about her using words to work around what he really wanted to say. It really made me think. As a lover of words, words are a funny thing. They have a power we don't always realize because once words leave our mouths, they become a real thing (it's true using it?). The right words from the right people can make your day, just as the wrong words from the right people can break your day.

Words can make us feel comfortable and they can either protect us (thus my sarcastic everyday dialogue) or they can make us feel vulnerable. One of the ways they make us feel comfortable is by allowing us to put different names to the same thing (sometimes in phrases and explanations). This way if we don't get the response we're looking for it's much easier to walk our way or explain our way out of it so we don't always have to really put ourselves out there.

This is our security blanket, because if we said what we really meant, we can't take the words back. They're out in the atmosphere and we have no control of other people's feelings or reactions to them. I also came to the conclusion that in some matters I do this as well. I stick a toe in to test the waters( work with the word play) , instead of just doing a cannonball ( saying exactly the things I want).  ( An interesting comparison for someone who can't swim, the irony is not lost on me).

Now for someone like me who says exactly what they're thinking 98% of the time this may be hard to believe but there's still that 2% where I safeguard myself as well.

I feel like I also need to take more of my own advice ....  As he was working his way around his words I looked him in the eye and said " today junior, you know what you want to say. What's the worst that could happen."

And it's true. If we're working our way around something we want to say, what good does that do us? We still want to say it, it just tiptoes around the topic.

Why not jump and say what you want. Call a spade a spade. As I told my friend last night (and as I
need to remember) ...


What is the worst that could happen?  If we don't say what we want how will we ever get it?

En Fuego

There are some people you meet and pass and barely remember, "safe people." Then there are those who have a certain fire about them, "the risky bets."

I was always told that I had a fire for things. Whether it's a firey passion for speaking my mind, or the fire behind my motivation to do well for myself.  In the everyday, I feel like it's getting harder and harder to find people with that fire behind their drive. That something that makes their face light up. It takes a lot to not only get, but maintain my attention, and it seems the people who have the ability to do this (men, women, friends, family) also have a fire for something. In one sense they completely intrigue me, and in the other sense they scare the hell out of me.

There's one thing about fire: when used to a beneficial purpose it has the luminosity that you can't take your eyes off of. It's incandescent. You want to get closer to it, get warm, relax and get comfortable with it. On the other hand, they always say don't play with fire, fire can be combustible, explosive. It's a fine balance, and it's not perfect, but it can be worth it.

That's the thing isn't it, the best things around aren't evens Stevens, safe bets. It's making the decision to either play it safe or go for the greater reward and put yourself at risk of getting burned. 

Me? I've made enough safe bets and comfortable decisions in life, work and more that I think it's time that I start getting more comfortable playing with fire. 

Given the choice to be en fuego or lukewarm , I think it's clear which path I prefer.

Blood is Thicker Than Water ... To a Point

I get this to a point, but my hybrid family is my rock, related by blood or not.

In this day and age we see mish-mashed families of all sorts, shapes and sizes, but one thing's for sure in my family I have never felt that I am lacking in any way, if anything I have a bigger support system and more people that care about me. This weekend I made my trip home for a much needed visit with the family. I have to say they have a way of making a person feel appreciated (and my little brothers for keeping me entertained). It really got me thinking about my childhood and my upbringing. My parents got divorced at a very young age for me, and although it could've gone another way, I was blessed in the fact that my parents worked together to ensure that they both raised me. Instead of one parent at my games and events, I was lucky enough to have four. If my mom and dad had anything in common it was the respect they held for one another. Even more importantly, I was a member of each family whether it was by blood relation or not. Let me expand on that, whichever house I was at I felt home because of the people who surrounded me.

A big part of this is in thanks to my stepmom. I don't know if I tell her enough, but although we aren't blood, she has done above and beyond the duties of your typical stepmom. She has always worked to not only respect the memory of my mother, but to also never treat me any different than her own children, my brothers. Family photos, events and just being there for me to vent on things that a woman just needs to talk to her mom about.  I'm not a fan of the world luck but in my case I am very lucky to have her as part of my life.

On the other hand, I can't say I wasn't disappointed when another family member didn't have the time or energy to fit me into his plans. He was a second father to me, and for some reason or another he has chosen to slowly exit this stage of my life. I don't think it will make me stop trying, and I'm not going to feel sorry for myself because I have to think it is what it is... But I do think this explains my conclusion below:

So blood is thicker than water, I get it, but in my case, family isn't just the people your born related to, whether it's step parents, friends, relationships or more, family are the people who care enough to be a part of your life.

Freaks and Geeks

Let's be honest we've all got a little freak and geek in us. ( and it was a pretty damn amazing show)

When I was younger I worked hard to cover up my inner freak and geek. I was the girl who would set the curve and the one who the teacher said "can someone answer the question besides lindsay." So I learned to be good at sports and used my sarcastic sense of humor to cover up my love of space and science, my awkward dance moves and silly little quirks. I did everything in my power to even avoid wearing my glasses (let's say I spent at lot of time in the front the class). Then as I grew up and out of my awkward stage I really started coming into my own and really became comfortable with not only myself but all the freak and geek tendencies I posses.

 Today I was sitting in my car snap chatting myself in a batman mask eating my daily chocolate vitamin ( a Reese's of course) and I found myself laughing ... At myself. And then it hit me,  the people who I enjoy spending the most time with are the ones who let my inner geek flag fly and they do the same. They are the quirkiest people, but they do something that I find more valuable than anything: they make me laugh and they get me.  Not just any laugh either I mean the laugh until you cry, stomach hurts the next day kinda laugh. The people who understand my love of  words (I've got a thing for vocabulary), that understand my favorite tee is my NASA cut off, that my karaoke is decent at best but I love doing it ( and they're in the crowd cheering my salt-n-pepa on). My advice to anyone who knows me never underestimate the power of making me laugh and smile.

It's funny how as we grow we change, at one point I would've worked hard to fit a mold, and now I try to do anything but, and the people I appreciate having around me the most are the out of the box people who do the same. Like I said you can deny it but we're all freaks and geeks in some way. 

Sooo... Why not embrace it and let your freak flag fly? 

Bright Pink Lipstick

Six years ago today, and to be honest I try not to remember that day.What I like to remember, all of the reasons that my mom put a smile on a face and still does.

One of the best memories was a tradition that carried on from my childhood until I was 18, the year I lost my mom. I was watching her while she was getting ready to go out and I had had a terrible day. I was maybe 13 years old and the girls at school were making fun of me. Truth be told I was a late bloomer, but my mom always made me feel like I was beautiful, and she said that no matter what happened to never lose my sense of humor and my smile.

Well my mom was a natural beauty, but there was one piece of makeup she always wore, red lipstick. So as I'm sitting there talking with her about my day and she told me to come up by the mirror with her and pulled out bright pink lipstick, and put it on me. I asked why I couldn't wear what she was wearing and she told me "because lindsay lou, you are meant to stand out, and no one should make you feel otherwise."

That night she cancelled her plans, we ordered in pizza and sat in our jammies her with her bright red lipstick and me with my bright pink lipstick and ate ice cream from the carton. We talked, we laughed and we fell asleep in a mini campground we had created in our living room. From then on, we would have our date night when my stepdad was traveling for work.

To this day, I still wear my bright pink lipstick even in the middle of corporate america, because something about it just makes me smile remembering the good things.

Don't get me wrong, I try to always be the strong one about it all and be positive and I have learned to work to make sure that I get one day a year to just let it out. In the end I was there with my mom and saw things I would not wish upon my worst enemy, so it's not always easy to just remember the good, but that doesn't mean I don't try to.

 One thing I do always remember: That my mom loved me with all of her being, and although she didn't win her battle with cancer she fought, and the reason behind her fight was that she always wanted to be there for me.

I think sometimes we all need a reminder and today is mine: There is always something to be thankful for. ALWAYS

Odds

Sometimes they're for you and sometimes they're against you, but in my opinion the odds play a larger role in our lives than we give them credit for.

We always hear "What are the odds of that happening" and typically we view them as a bad thing. A big fan of the discovery channel and nat geo I compare this to the typical odds I see on there: the odds getting attacked by a tiger shark (shark week is a national holiday for me), the odds of getting stuck in a tsunami and so on and so fourth.

BUT what if we looked at odds from a different point.

There are some odds that are a given (not to all, but generally speaking) what are the odds I'm going to have my morning coffee, or go to work every morning (you could set your watch to the fact that these will happen), and there are some odds that are a shoot for the stars, lightening strikes twice kind of odds.

I've realized its the odds that make life exciting. Maybe its the things that are against the odds that we really look forward to, the things we appreciate because we never saw them coming.

But hey...  what are the odds of that happening right?

Everything Happens For a Reason

I've never liked this phrase...NEVER

In fact, I have despised it. When my Mom passed everyone told me that everything happens for a reason, and to be completely honest I wanted to say BS to every single one of them. I will never understand the reasoning behind that.

But in the past month I have learned that maybe this statement does hold true to a point. But instead of everything happening for a reason, I think its: EVERYTHING SERVES A PURPOSE

 Maybe sometimes you just have to have a little faith that there is a purpose behind what's happening in your life, and looking back on my recent job experience I believe this did happen for a reason.

After working for five years in the marketing field, I begin life back in the corporate office next week (and couldn't be more excited).  This job is exactly what I was looking for, somewhere where we were growing a business and busting our asses to do it. I like having skin in the game and personal relationship to the businesses I market. It pushed me that much harder. But getting to this point taught me more than I realized.

In early July I moved from my previous marketing specialist position into a consulting position. It was a big step in my career, and it took me a few days (and glasses of wine) to catch my bearings again. I had always taken care of myself and worked hard to ensure I could, so this was me putting everything out there, and to be honest taking a large, life-changing risk.
 

Over the next few weeks I was experiencing an uncertainty as a marketing specialist I had not before. I was use to knowing to be at the office at 7:00 and leaving at 4:00, and knowing I would be there every day. And through all the uncertainty I was happy. Why? Because although it was scary, it was a chance for me to push myself out of my comfort zone and see what I could really do. Even more importantly it made me take a step back and look at all of the great people I have in my life and appreciate each and every one of them for their unique beings.

Everything has a purpose, the hardest part is waiting to discover the purpose and make sense of it all. And most of the time, the only way to do it is through hindsight.

I mean it is 20/20

Photo Credit: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Purpose-320078457

Remission

Temporary relief ... from disease or pain

After fighting for two years, a ten pound tumor and cervical cancer later we got the news that my Mom had entered remission. Even after this declaration from a team of certified specialists, we still worried and the previous shock from the two years prior stuck with us all. We could try and forget about it, but we all knew that each one of us had some sort of fear and damage from everything we had undergone. 

She spoke at a survivors dinner, her hair had started to grow back into a Twiggy curly pixie cut, and slowly life was returning to normal (whatever that means). But life doesn't owe us anything nor (as previously mentioned) is it fair.

I was two hours away experiencing my freshmen year in college. My mom had met another one of her goals: to be there to move me in, and send her daughter onto her next phase in life. I returned home before winter break and my Stepdad and Mom said we needed to talk. Immediately I knew. We had had this talk before, with the same tone, same setting it was the worse case of Deja Vous a person could experience. The cancer had come back, and had settled in her brain. I felt sick. That deep down sick to my stomach, but we beat once, so why couldn't we do it again? Something in me knew that this time was different. 

I feel like from every traumatic experience in our lives we make it through and experience remission, a temporary relief from pain. We may feel like we have made it through, but all it takes is a song or image or something that brings us back to that exact moment, and it all becomes real again. Even after the remissions in our lives, many times the experience's will continue to somehow effect us or in my case, shape our paths in life. From this, we have the choice of learning and growing from these negative experiences or to let them bring us down. 

I chose to grow.

Photo Credit: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Love-Life-333602435

Count Your 5... Then Leave Your Bed

Think of 5 things you're thankful for... then you can leave your bed

How many times does your alarm go off, you may be press the snooze button a few times, and you get out of bed to start the day without thinking of what you're thankful for. You may be thinking "God dammit I need my coffee" or "I wish it was Friday," but chances are you wake up and go about your day.

Now, my mom had good and bad days. They call it treatment, but to be honest this may have been the worse part of the disease. My 5'11 tall beautiful, strong willed mother at her worse quickly shrunk to only 110 lbs, and even getting out of bed in the morning became a struggle. She knew her days would consist of draining chemotherapy or radiation, and then the next day would be a visit to the Dr's office. 

After speaking with her Dr one day she came home and explained that every morning from then on she was going to think of 5 things she was thankful for or that she was looking forward to, and until she had those 5 things, she wasn't leaving bed. Those 5 things gave her the courage and the strength to pursue each day, and the hope that some kind of relief was in sight. Even for the most optimistic, she had her days where she would say "Ya know what, today, I'm staying right here" (her bed) and that was OK. 

Every morning, think of 5 things, 5 reasons to pursue the day to get out of bed. And ya know what, some days if you can't, its OK to just take a day and stay in bed. 

Photo Credit: http://www.damncovers.com/laying-in-bed-fb-cover/

That's Not Fair...Life's Not Fair

When I was younger I used to respond to every "you can't do that" or "no" with "THAT'S NOT FAIR"

Unfailingly (my own terminology) my Mom responded with "Life's not fair honey." To preface this my mom was "the mom." The woman who would stay up until midnight with me because I had no ability to sew my home ec project and basically the reason I am today, so this response was about as blunt and (what I thought at the time) as rude of comment that ever left her lips. Until my junior year in highschool these responses somewhat made sense, why I couldn't go on a date with a guy two years my elder, or why my curfew was midnight not one o'clock like everyone else's.

Then she got sick. And suddenly, although she had told me a million times that life wasn't fair, it was what she wasn't telling me: Life's not only not fair, but it doesn't owe us anything and at times it doesn't make sense.

I remember that day like it was yesterday (cliche I know). My stepdad and mom sat me down and explained to me that my mom had cervical cancer and a large tumor and they were going to do everything to beat it. It all didn't seem real, like I had jumped into a Lifetime movie or teen melodrama.

And it continued to seem like a sick joke until the day my mom came home, still beautiful as ever, with a her clean shaven head and that symbol made everything sickeningly, punch to the stomach real. All I remember is crying and we looked at each other and said the same thing "Life's NOT fair"

My Mom and I