2 of 3

As I said before, I was asked about the top three most significant aspects of my life.

Although they were not the things of fairy tales they have impacted my life in a way that can never be erased. The first was when I lost my mom, the worst day of my life, the second was when she spoke a statement  that I will never forget.

I was sitting in her bed and she could still speak at this point. It was when I came back from school and they had found the cancer had spread into he brain. I don't know why I didn't see it sooner, but at that point she was trying to tell me something. So, as I'm sitting with her she tells me "it's going to be ok." I looked at her and instantly lost my composure. I should be the one reassuring her not the other way around. My response was of course that she didn't know that, and her face relaxed and she just smiled (that million dollar smile)  and said "Lindsay loo, I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid of not being here, if only for the fact that I am lucky enough to have a life that I would envy... Not in the things but in the people, the experiences, my love and partner and of course my beautiful little girl. I'm not afraid to die ."

I don't think there was a dry eye between either of us that night. I saw my stepdad approach the door, and he stared for a second, and could tell this was a time for just us. The woman in front of me was the strongest woman I had ever and will ever know, and had to battle her way through life, but she had created a rarity. She had created, lived and loved a life that not only looked good on the outside, but most importantly felt good on the inside.

It was at this point it really hit me: life is really too short and in order to obtain that kind of life, you must create it. Even when everything is stacked against you. I saw myself utilizing this experience in my most recent life decision. I knew that in the current situation I was creating something that looked good on the outside, but it looked and felt completely different on the inside. So I took the leap, the leap that was right for me.

I will never forget these words and work everyday to ensure that I am creating a life  ( as my mom said) I myself would envy: not because of the things, but because the feelings, the experiences and the people.

Give and Take

Life's about give and take, but in this world people aren't always a balanced mix.

The thing about givers is that people think the givers are weak when in all actuality they are the ones strong enough to take the responsibility of the world on their shoulders. They are the people who will  continually give, and the most astounding part is they don't expect much in return. They're the simpletons (in a very positive connotation) because it doesn't take much for them to be happy and they will happily put others before themselves. 

My mom was a giver, and one of the most breathtaking things was that my stepdad was also a giver. I always tell people that they wouldn't understand unless they saw it because their relationship was unselfish, appreciative and something you don't see everyday. They were one of the few that had that balance even until the end, they were partners who built something great together because they built it as that,giving together, instead of taking from one another. I'm not talking tangible things either, I'm talking about mutual respect and admiration they had through the years.

As I said, a lot of times takers see the givers and mistake it as weakness and continue to take, or they see it as given and they don't appreciate it. I recently left a relationship and really saw the toll of being a giver with an unbalanced taker. It was like a weight (even more so an unnecessary weight) was lifted off my shoulders. I also understood that I was not innocent in the situation, that to a point i perpetuated the situation. I was so dedicated to being a giver that I didn't set my limits, I provided, I took it and it eventually wore on me.

This world requires give and take, in friendships, relationships, family and work. It's the foundation to compromise. When it comes to this we may all have a little more giver and taker in us, but it's how we manage the qualities that mean the most. I found myself in a position where I didn't, and I have grown and learned from it to ensure I don't carry it on through my life. I will always be a giver, it's a who I am , I just need to be a giver who surrounds myself with those who appreciate it for the right reasons.

Instinct and Intellect

It's the typical head vs heart battle, so which one do you follow?

For someone as plan centered and realistic as I consider myself, this is a battle won and lost. Many times I can even talk myself out of emotion or a feeling because it doesn't seem "logical."

But, when it comes to the question of the head vs. the heart vs. our gut which one is right? I mean we always say "use your head" when making a decision, but which is really the deciding factor?

It is always smart [no pun intended] to put your intellect foot forward, to think of possibilities, realities and consequences but if we only listened to our intellect, where would we be. Per usual I read a quote on the subject today and it made me think about my safe bets I've taken, the times I've listened too much to my head. The times I've settled for comfortable or good enough.

"If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down."

It seems like such a basic idea, but we dismiss it more often than not. There's a reason they also say listen to your gut. Your gut is that middle line between your head and your heart, and although we can ignore it, it's always there with us tapping on our shoulder with the truth even if we try and deny it. It's that feeling in our stomachs that tells you "I know your worrying, but this is what you should do." It's the everything-will-be-alright that we can rely on even in the most chaotic situation.

I guess there isn't a straight and narrow answer to the question because it's a group effort. I've mentioned where our head plays a role and our gut. But our heart the most emotional aspect of it all, our heart should always be involved in matters of the head, and we should use our head to help us evaluate  matters of the heart, and trust our gut to let us know our instinctual feelings.

And in the end, our mind can fight us, but an even simpler, truer quote explains it all "follow your heart, even though it's on your left, it's always right."

Smile Like You Mean It

They come in all shapes and sizes.

Crooked smiles, gap smiles, awkward smiles and ear to ear smiles they all are different, but smiles tell a lot about people. People smile for more reasons than happiness, they smile because their uncomfortable, they smile to diffuse situations, no two are the same.

A smile tells alot about a person, and recently I've realized there's a certain kind of smile on a person, the best kind, that can be the tell to even the best of poker faces. Something that I reserve for the most special of conversations.

It's that smile that they can't contain, the one that reaches the tips of the ears. The one that after a long day let's you forget about the day and just be happy. It's the time when you really smile because you mean it. You can't contain it, you can't control and to be honest it feels so good you would never want to.

It really is true, in a life full of curve balls there's one curve that sets everything straight.... a smile.

The Top Three

I was recently asked what were the three most significant points in my life.

I hesitated to answer, because as I was thinking about it, all three were negative to point, but I took a closer look at the three by writing them down. They were the three I never shared. It's always scary to share the negative it gives someone a chance to see all the imperfect we have and our potential to be imperfect. But as I looked into them deeper, I realized yes they were negative, but their significance have molded and shaped me into the person I am today, and what's so terrible with having a not so pretty, imperfect past that has shaped you into someone who you are proud to be today ( not to sound overly confident, we all need work, but I've worked through each of these and sometimes we all deserve to be our own biggest fan). I'm not going to go into it all, because I want to tell that person my answers before this anonymous blog world, but I will share the most significant, because it's the one put best into words. To this day it is the one thing that can instantly bring me back to that time in my life.

#1. The morning my mom passed away. Everyone said you were lucky you had the time you did with her so you were prepared for it. And I am, I hold those moment close to my heart, but nothing could prepare me for that moment. I was on the night shift for my mom who wanted to be at home instead of hospice. It had gotten bad, no no covering it, it was downright ugly. My mom couldn't talk, did not even know who I was and wasn't my mom anymore. Seeing her like that killed me a little inside everyday, but I did what I had to, kept on living as I should and be strong for my family. Someone would be with her at all times, we'd read to her and I would often just curl up next to her so I wouldn't forget what it felt like to be with her.

As I started saying I had been on the night shift and had finally gone to bed and was woken up by my mom's best friend Gayle telling me I had to go say goodbye, my mom was in a better place. I went numb, it was an out of body, punch in the stomach feeling that could've put a grown man on his knees. I don't remember crying I just remember walking into her and my stepdads room and laying next to her, she was more than my mom at that point she was my angel mother, and from that point my life was a choice. It wasn't this moment that got me though. Friends came over, family came over and then they came to take my mom from my house. For the first time that day I lost it, they couldn't take my mom. That was the house that she and my stepdad had spent their life together building, it was our life, and selfishly, she couldn't leave me. It was the single most significant point in my life. It was the worst day of my life. 

That day something inside of me changed. I could go one of two ways I could feel sorry for myself, or I could what my mom loved most really live. Put my passion, my heart, my all into what I did , to live a life that she could be proud of, and that I could be proud of.  That day will never leave my mind as much as I try, and in a way that's a good thing. It tells me why I am the way today from why I guard myself to why I put 115% into what I do. 

It's scary to share moments like this when I know there are people out who their worst problem at that 18 was a bad hair day. It's heavy, it's deep, it's ugly  but at the end of the day it's part of me, and that's something I should never be scared of showing because at the end of the day I survived it, and I can still enjoy my life, still look for the good in the bad, I can still smile , and it's why to me it's the simple things that mean the most. It's why I'm me.

Chances

To me chances are a lot like moments, you may never get the same one twice.

If there's one thing I've learned from my angel mother it's the only time you waste is the time where you are unhappy or are making someone else unhappy. She took the chances in her life to improve her happiness.If she wasn't happy with a situation she would make the cognitive choice to take the chance and change the situation. I've always respected her for this, for taking the chances, which we all know also means she took risks. Let me preface this, my mom was by no means careless and carefully thought her moves over so she understood the implications of her decisions, but she also took advantage of life and what it had to offer her.

In some ways I am like her in this respect. I've taken chances, taken the calculated risks, but in others I've let a chance slip by to go for the ok, the comfortable. Looking back what I've realized is that although I protected myself by not taking some chances, I've also never gotten a second chance... To take those chances (cliche I know).

Maybe that's why chances are so significant, as intimidating as they may be to take, it's even more disheartening to have to ask yourself the "what if" question later on when you lose the opportunity. Some chances are small, everyday chances that we take or ignore in our daily routine, and some chances are those one in a million chances that put it all on the table.

Either way, chances are extraordinary things. When we take them we are never guaranteed of the end result, but when we don't take them we are guaranteed to miss out on the possibility.

I mean it really is as they say: "it's not about getting the chances in our lives, it's about putting ourselves out there and taking them ".... Because you may never have that same chance twice.

Disappointment

If you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed right?

We all get disappointed, its life. My disappointment is no different. Disappointment comes from "getting our hopes" up, and everyone says if you don't get your hopes up you won't get hurt.

I disagree. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that disappointment is a good thing. It's not. It hurts, it's messy, it might make us cry and pardon my French, but it down right sucks. But that doesn't mean I would give up hoping. Hoping is a risk, but aren't the best things?

Disappointment also comes from caring (and I'm not about to stop doing that either). I read something that really caught my eye:

"Sometimes we expect more from others, because we would be willing to do that for them."

After thinking this over, I realize that's why disappointment really hurts. It makes us realize we would never do the same to the other person, nor has the thought ever/ or would ever even cross our minds. We would do anything in our power to  try and keep that person from hurting, and when they disappoint us; it makes us question how the other person truly feels about us in return.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but I'm no stranger to disappointment. And for some reason, I never give up. I keep on trying. And some people may call this weak or even stupid, but in my opinion it's the opposite. I'm strong enough and care enough to put myself out there for disappointment, and with that accept the consequences.

Life's not always a bed of roses, nor do I expect anything from it return. And yes, sometimes it's disappointing, but in the end I would rather be the one that cared too much, than the one who gave up to protect myself. In the end, I'd rather take my chances on the good, than never put myself out there to avoid the disappointing.